Give way: a strong woman!
Give way: a strong woman!
A strong woman can do almost anything, even subjugate a strong man or break him. The family therapist Inna Khamitova tells why she does this and how to control her own power.
I am a strong woman, but at times I am terribly tired of myself and tire of my indefatigable activity of my relatives. And only now, in my second marriage, I learned to switch. In many ways, my first family crumbled due to the fact that I behaved mercilessly, like a tank that crushes everything alive at work and at home. Apparently, upbringing affects - I was the eldest in the parental family. When my brother was born, I was entrusted with all the cares about him. In short, I was a hyperresponsible girl who still managed to study at a music school and look after her younger brother while my parents were at work.
It seems that now I continue to behave in the same way, only now it is ... my husband. My work is such that it is precisely the masculine qualities of character that allow me to achieve my goals, agree with the leadership and adjust the results of subordinates. And at home ... at home, I continued to "raise the virgin soil", built my first husband in three lines, trying in every possible way to remake it, redraw it in my own way. Took up all the household chores, fixed irons, sockets. It costs me nothing to change a wheel, I even rummaged in the carburetor of our car a couple of times, and not without a visible result: the car refused to start, and after my intervention it worked.
At some point I noticed that my husband became somewhat indifferent, as if he had lost interest in life, ran out of breath next to me. When we met, he was a cheerful guy, a ringleader, the soul of the company, in general, for the ease and pressure I fell in love with him. In addition, our positions in social terms at that time coincided - he also led the department in a large company. But after some time, having lost this position during the reorganization, he settled at home. And turned into a sort of householder! At first, this situation didn’t really disturb me, I thought that he would quickly find a job and everything would return to normal.
When a year passed, I realized that I was wrong, my husband seemed to be satisfied with such a situation! At the same time, I tried to convey my alarm in different ways - I joked about this topic, scandalized, in the heat of the discussion, trying to convince him, I interrupted the entire service - a wedding present ...
To no avail! Then I divorced him. And she got married a second time. But the scenario was repeated with my current husband ... I tried to analyze my behavior and realized that I was strong and only a man who could consciously give up his career could get along with me ... "Elena, 41 years old.
FAMILY SCENARIO There are several scenarios, following which girls grow up in strong, hyperresponsible women. They can be older sisters, accustomed to take care of, care, groom, cherish, educate and be responsible for their younger brothers. In such a situation, sisters are partly a substitute mother for younger children in the family at times when parents are busy with their affairs. Such a girl from childhood lays the idea that this is exactly what you need to behave with men: take care, guardianship, grooming and take full responsibility for them. In other words, this is such a super-functional behavior. The situation is different - a family with an inverted hierarchy, in which it is children, not parents, at the top of the family pyramid who manage the lives of all its members. In a normal situation, it is adults, that is, parents, that should play a leading role in the family. When parents are responsible for all the processes that occur in the family, this gives the child a sense of stability and stability in this world. In the case of an inverted hierarchy, the child is the most important, the "navel of the earth." We are talking about those very confused parents who do not really know how to handle a child, and because of this, their upbringing is openly conniving. In addition, parents of late, long-awaited or special children often differ in a similar, pampering style of upbringing. In these cases, the parents, of course, love them very, very much, but also spoil them excessively, providing all the imaginable and inconceivable material goods that they are able to give.
A child grows up in an atmosphere of permissiveness, literally everything is allowed to him. And there are no borders and restrictions. Naturally, the child has a feeling that he is the most important, special. This confidence that the whole world should play according to her rules, such a spoiled girl will bring to her own family as an adult, expecting from her husband that he will behave accordingly. And from the partner he will expect quite a certain behavior, in accordance with its rules and attitudes. Still strong women grow out of girls whose families were not sufficiently prosperous. In this situation, the child is again at the top of the family hierarchy, but for another reason - his parents cannot be fully responsible for their family, and often for themselves. As a rule, this is associated with alcoholism or an asocial lifestyle of parents. In this situation, it is the child who is forced to take responsibility and become a parent to his parents.
MARRIAGE IS A COMPROMISE Marriage is always a compromise. And sometimes he looks very tough. So it turns out that a strong woman in her life gets used to a certain role, to a certain dance. She knows how to dance it. More precisely, she leads in it. And then she will need a partner who, by virtue of a compromise, will not only dance him, but also be led. It is clear that in the first version she, hyperfunctional, will deliberately choose a dysfunctional husband. And everything will happen again: he can drink or get sick, she will treat him, take care. Diseases and dysfunctions in any area: somatic, mental, social. It is important to understand that this is not an independent dysfunction, but a compromise, that is, the way these two people are together.
NEAR A STRONG MALE If, next to a strong woman is a very functional man? If these two very strong people do not share the spheres of influence, they will inevitably fight for power. And it can destroy even the most wonderful relationship. Or - and this is a compromise - one of them begins to give up their positions. In childhood, both were used to the fact that someone commands, and someone obeys, and now - unconsciously - not being at the top means losing, losing control. Equal, partnership is an undeveloped territory. Automatically, they continue to dance the usual dance: one leads the other. If a family has a super-functional, only disabled people can survive next to it. This is the same unconscious, but a compromise.
MARRIAGE IS ALWAYS A COMPROMISE, OFTEN RELATIVELY RIGID
HUSBAND HOMEWASK If a wife makes a career, she is better at earning money, and both are not burdened by this state of affairs - fine. Well, they exchanged traditional roles. In any metropolis, a traditional patriarchal marriage, in which the wife protects the hearth, the husband earns, is not so common. Many other forms of family have appeared. In a modern city, a woman can survive without a strong male shoulder. Moreover, sometimes it is more convenient for her to live alone or with a child, but without a man: do not have to negotiate, compromise. And from the man then completely different, not material expectations: he will be a close friend, interesting in the emotional, intellectual and sexual aspects. And it is much more difficult than just making money, as it requires huge emotional investments in the family. Therefore, any distribution of roles and responsibilities that suits both is justified.
WHAT DO I REALLY REALLY DO? But, if there is doubt in the depths of the female soul, then it would be nice to ask yourself the question: “What doesn’t suit me - such a distribution of roles or the opinion of others?” Often in the process of therapy, a woman comes to the conclusion that another man next to her would not survive. She is most comfortable with such a warm domestic husband. It is important to understand what affects you this way and whether you really want the traditional separation of roles. And how can you get along with a strong man. You can start with the question: what exactly do I want from the family and from the man who is next? It is possible that you will realize that you are quite happy, and it doesn’t matter what mom or girlfriends say about this.
FEAR OR POWER?The possessors of inner strength are completely self-sufficient people and do not demonstrate it to others. If a man is tyrannical and suppresses everyone around, this does not indicate his inner strength. If a woman behaves in the same way, then she is in the grip of fears. She is afraid that she is not able to maintain partnerships with a man, they are traumatic for her. She is afraid to open herself, to trust him. And then she can arbitrarily say that there are no strong men around, only weaklings - this is a projection of her own fears on the outside world. Because of them, a woman does not stand next to her self-sufficient man, and then inevitably next to her is a man who is weak externally or internally, henpecked.
MEN'S QUALITIESWhat to do a strong woman to save the family, explains the therapist Irina Panyukova.
• Women differentiate different spheres of life poorly. We have all the emotions regarding problems at work, family troubles and minor everyday conflicts boil in one boiler. We carry all our emotions and feelings from work home, unlike a man who has everything clearly structured.
• In every person there are male and female qualities. When leaving work, we should leave our inner man in the office and even change into something more feminine. It does not hurt to take it as a rule to say yes to her husband at least two days a week.
• In genetic men There is a set of qualities that are determined by male sex hormones: offensive, search or territorial behavior, a tendency to dominate. When a woman begins to show them at home, she breaks all these men's programs. A man has a collision. He, like a computer, hangs, it seems that his transformer or power supply is burning out. And he ceases to function as a man. This can lead to passive adaptation. A stronger man will adjust, take a subordinate position. And in fact, a marriage in which a man sacrifices his masculinity to a woman can exist for an unlimited time.
• He sacrifices his social platform, career, position for the love of this woman. And only in this form can this pair exist. This sometimes frustrates a woman: she gets tired at work, comes home and sees that there she again has to show masculine qualities. She is in a situation that she herself has created: there is no one to rely on, everything needs to be done by herself ... It is worth looking for areas in which partners can unite - rest.PHOTO: ALEXANDER ZELENTSOV / FOTOBANK / GETTY